An integral part of becoming a spiritual director is learning to listen to people.
I would also suggest that becoming a good listener improves communication and interaction in all areas of life. The word “all” is not an overstatement. It can help when you are working through your bank’s phone system to pay bills, making an appointment with your doctor, and seeking to understand what is at the root of your spouse’s fears. Practicing good listening helps us in ways we cannot imagine until we focus and see how it has helped us.
Listening to the Pronoun as People Reflect
I want to focus on the speaking part of listening. Speaking comes first, it is what catches our attention. We cannot listen if no one is speaking to us. What are people saying in response to a question about a certain scripture passage, spiritual book or talk, or a conversation between a spiritual director and directee?
Sometimes, listening to the way you are speaking about your prayer or in prayer reveals something about your interior life. In particular, I suggest you pay attention to the pronouns you use.
Pronouns, as you recall from school, are those words that take the place of a noun. There are many pronouns; let’s look at these three: they, you, and I, and how those words say something about interior life.
Let me explain using myself as an example. I read a scripture passage, and it strikes me that the Pharisees cannot ever seem to believe that Jesus wants their good. My internal dialogue sounds like this:
- They are terrible to Jesus, why does he put up with them?
- They need to stop thinking only about themselves.
- They are not nice to anyone. They need to change.
Now, those statements might be true, but not relevant to my prayer life or growing closer to Jesus if I stop there. Those thoughts are judging others and at the core of them is the belief that I am different, indeed better, than the Pharisees. When the focus in prayer is on the other, we do not grow or change. We simply make ourselves look good, saying some way, what the Pharisee says in Luke 18:11, ‘O God, I thank you that I am not like the rest of humanity—greedy, dishonest, adulterous—or even like this tax collector.”
The focus is outward, on others’ behavior that is visible. We cannot know a person’s interior disposition when we only look at visible behavior. Yet we make a list of all the things that others need to do differently to get in line with what we believe to be correct. When I hear myself using ‘they’ in prayer or in conversation with my spiritual director I know I am hiding from something. We sometimes think we need to hide the ugly, dark parts of ourselves in prayer. If we cannot be honest with our Creator, who can we be honest with?
As we pray more frequently and deeply and grow in relationship with others, the pronouns shift. We begin to trust more and so we open up and allow little glimpses of who we are to others. We use the more personal, you or we, including ourselves in who needs to change our thoughts or behaviors. St. Ignatius of Loyola says it this way, “He who goes about to reform the world must begin with himself, or he loses his labor.”
It can sound like this:
- If we could only stop hurting others with our words.
- Why can’t we accept people who are different from us?
- We should try to give more time to God in prayer.
We are still holding things at arm’s length, but that’s closer than pointing to ‘them.’
There’s a subtle realization that when I say ‘you or we’ it is my flaw that I see, yet I fear truly admitting it aloud.
In spiritual direction, a director may ask why you are speaking as ‘we.’ They understand that until we more fully focus on ourselves, there is no growth.
With time, practice, and deep conversation and prayer there is a shift to ‘I.’ Not the I of selfish preoccupation. The ‘I’ that says, “Lord, I need you. I give you permission to work in me. I am not perfect.”
Speaking as and for only yourself is not selfish. It is the beginning of growing in your interior life. We cannot grow anyone else’s interior life. Spiritual directors, those who pray healing prayers, and confessors know that changes in the interior life are gifts from God. It is all grace. We hold space for those who come to us and listen to their stories. Grace does not come from us or because of us. With humility, grace enters despite us. We are conduits.
How To Stay In “I”
Our adventure to a deep interior life is not straight and smooth. It is filled with mountains, valleys, rough patches, and level ground. It is also slow. God goes slowly with us. Yes, there are times we have an instant conversion or flash of interior self-knowledge. Usually, though it takes time, we move slowly, shedding the old way or attitude and embracing the new.
As God asks us to change, we may go back to the ‘they’ for a bit. We look at the change from a distance. It is hard to imagine how I can rid myself of that bad habit or lie I believe about myself. When we repeatedly pray, asking for the grace to grow, we get to ‘I’ and the ability to accept the grace.
Accept the Grace
Grace is a gift we do not earn, given to us by God for our benefit. We cannot earn it, but we can ask for it. You can be as specific as you would like, “Lord, please give me the grace of generosity with my time,” or as simple as “God, I need your grace today.”
We are responsible for our interior life. However, we do not have to work alone on it; indeed, the Church gives us numerous ways to encourage us. The Sacraments, especially Penance and the Eucharist; reading and praying with scripture, vocal and mental prayer, reading the lives and works of the saints, and spiritual direction are means to support our interior life.
Pray for the grace to listen well to yourself when you speak, to shift those pronouns from them to I, so as to deepen your interior life, allowing God to lead you on your great spiritual adventure!
____________________________________________________
Image: Unsplash+
