Have you ever asked someone, “what do you want to be when you grow up,” and heard them respond, “a spiritual director?” I haven’t!
As a young person, I had 2 distinct ideas about what I would do with my life: I wanted to work for the Church or become a lawyer. I had an overriding need for the world to be a just and fair place, and I thought I could help the world (okay, maybe I wanted to save it), and the Church or the law seemed to fit.
I did neither. Well, at least not at first. First, I went to college and became a teacher. Then I went to graduate school to become a principal. Once I completed my degree, I realized I did not want to be a principal, so I left education and went to work as a youth minister. As a youth minister, I encountered spiritual direction.
A priest suggested to me that, as a person who worked in a parish, spiritual direction would help me in my spiritual life and keep me focused on why I was doing this work. It made sense to me, and so we began. We talked about my prayer life, work life, family life, and the intersection of it all.
After a time, the priest left the area, while I moved to another parish and continued working for the Church in various ministries. I then decided to learn more about how to work in a parish and earned a graduate degree in pastoral administration. I did not have a regular spiritual director for a long time. I had a priest who was my confessor and functioned as a spiritual director, but he would not call himself my spiritual director.
I learned about St. Ignatius’ Spiritual Exercises when a friend suggested we work together using the book, For the Greater Glory of God. This was life-changing. I began to learn all I could about Ignatius, his teachings, and how to live what I was learning in my life.
And I also realized I needed a spiritual director.
What About Becoming a Spiritual Director
I found a wonderful sister at our local retreat center, and she became my spiritual director. One day she said to me, “I feel like I need to say something to you, but it is not me, it is the Holy Spirit. And even if I do say this to you, this is not me telling you what to do. You still need to discern this. I think you would be a good spiritual director.” I recall laughing aloud and thinking, “No way, I could never be a spiritual director.” We talked some more that day about it, and I left.
The thought stayed with me, though. I sat and prayed with the idea. I made lists of qualities a good spiritual director had, my qualities, and looked to see if any matched. Some did, some did not. Then I did some research to find where one could be trained to become a spiritual director. (This was almost 10 years ago so online instruction was not as it is now.) Some schools offered graduate degrees; I was not interested in more letters after my name. I found some certificate programs, but I could not find something that would work with my life.
I put the idea aside and focused on my work and family. I kept being drawn to Ignatius and the spiritual exercises. I began to search online for a place to do the spiritual exercises for a month. And in doing so, I found a school which offered a certificate in spiritual direction about four hours away. It checked all the boxes of a program style I was looking for: Ignatian spirituality, close so that travel costs were minimal, a good mix of courses, and the time frame seemed reasonable. So, I applied. In October 2017. And once the Cenacle School of Divine Providence had my paperwork, I had an interview via Skype. I waited and waited, and finally I received the email that I was accepted. My classes would begin in January 2020.
No, that is not a typo.
I recall feeling slightly devastated. As if God had led me down this path, given me my heart’s desire, and then said, “And now, we wait.”
I was not good at waiting.
Back then, my mode of operation was ready, fire, aim. Why did God want me to wait? Honestly, I am still not sure why. But wait, I did. While I waited, I did the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises with my spiritual director. While I waited, I prayed for my husband through medical procedures and problems. While I waited, I mourned a dear friend’s passing. While I waited, I planned weddings and welcomed grandchildren. While I waited, I became a prayer minister. While I waited, I learned to go a bit more slowly and to wait on God rather than run in front of him.
We talk about God’s plan and God’s timing as if it is something hard to understand, so mysterious. It is not. I have no doubt God called me to become a spiritual director. But he wanted me to be a certain person, a specific Deanna, before I began.
Each day between when I was accepted and when I began school was a time for God to refine me. I was very ready for school to begin. My life in January of 2020 was very different than in October of 2017. I was a different person down to my soul. My life experiences had taught me how little I knew of suffering. I learned how to walk with those in need and not be able to solve the problem. I learned how to rely on God.
And then school began. School changed me in ways I did not see coming. I learned how to listen– deeply listen–and reverence other people’s stories. I went from a person for whom silence in a conversation was so unnecessary to understanding the need to pause, pray, and reflect before responding. I learned that it is good to acknowledge without giving advice or telling my own story.
Using What I Have Learned
When I think about the ways I have served our Church, in both volunteer and paid service, I cannot think of something that takes all I know and puts it at the service to others as this work of spiritual direction.
I love people.
And each person has a story, a way they have been formed and shaped into the person they are at this moment. In spiritual direction, we uncover, by spending time with God, how God is calling us to a deeper relationship with him. We learn how to rid ourselves of what is not necessary in our lives to focus on who God created us to be. And then, he leads us to our mission, his plan for our life.
Above my desk I have a prayer card of St. Ignatius of Loyola with this quote: “Man is created to praise, revere, and serve God our Lord and through this save his soul.” That is the mission of each one of us. The question to answer is, “How?” That answer is found by discerning God’s plan for your life. His plan is always for good, and often each experience becomes a building block in your life, to help you better know yourself and to be equipped for the next thing.
I have done many different jobs in my professional life and when I look back, I can see how each, in some way or another, helps me now. None of it was wasted. Some people may look and see a woman who could not make up her mind. I choose to see myself as a woman who is willing to move forward when God calls. My life has not gone according to my plan; it is much, much better. Even on the days when I rail against circumstances I cannot change, I know God is with me and faithful.
What My Path Taught Me
In our life of faith, the term discernment is used frequently, especially when we want to be sure we are not making decisions just because we want to do something. Discernment has some weight. The idea is that we discern what God wants for us. I have come to learn how God works in my life.
First, God uses other people to get my attention. As a person who is very relational, that makes sense. Sometimes the person is direct in making a statement, other times it is more subtle. Another way God reaches out to me is in service to others. I am good at problem solving, breaking big projects into small pieces, and getting things done. God also breaks through my discernment in prayer. But it is not the same way each time. It might be a song at Mass, or a notecard with a certain scripture verse on it, or when I am in quiet meditation.
When you are discerning a decision, do not discount the variety of ways God speaks to you. You may long for a clear word from him, one that requires no interpretation on your part. And while that does happen at times, most times it is a more gradual way that is integrated with your life and personality. In discernment, try not to look for the lightning bolt moments and visits from angels. Look instead at the quiet ways God reveals himself to you. Confirm your decision with the people it impacts and a spiritual director or trusted friend.
And then, move forward.
God has great things planned for you.
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