Read part 1 here.
Meaning and Importance of Amiability
What’s your perception of Mary? What do you imagine she is like? I hope the word ‘loving’ came to your mind in some way. Who doesn’t like a loving person? Sometimes we don’t think of Mary as lovable, but just distant or too holy for us. Is this your understanding or that of others you know?
This impression is often due to encountering seemingly holy but grumpy people. You’ve heard the expression, “Yes, he is saintly, but I definitely wouldn’t like to live with him!”
Mary isn’t like those people who appear holy but are self-righteous and judgmental. These people, unlike Mary, still have the effects of original sin.
We recall Mary is sinless.
In fact, if we have a true perception of her, there is in her something which draws us to her, which makes us want to be with her, to speak to her, to hear her speak to us. What is this something? It’s what’s described by the title ‘Mother Most Amiable”: her lovableness, unselfishness, kindness, and desire to help us.
We know what it means when people are not amiable, when they seem cold, forbidding, and we feel they would not put themselves out to listen to us, or care what we’re suffering, or desire to help us. Those are not the people we want to approach, speak to, or live with. Perhaps we ourselves, in some of our moods, at least, are too often of this type; perhaps our self-absorption keeps people away from us and leads others to describe us not as “most lovable,” but as “most unlovable.”
Practical Suggestions for Developing a Virtue of Mary Based upon Amiability
Who sees us as lovable or not? Outsiders? Usually not. Those who truly know us—those who live with us—can often tell us whether we are lovable or difficult to live with. What do the people around us think of us—our family members, spouses, co-workers, and friends? We are called to practice amiability most of all within our own families.
As we reflect on this, it is important to remember that grace builds upon nature. Just as our natural traits shape the way we interact with others, grace elevates and refines those qualities. If we are not already striving to practice the natural human virtues, it will be difficult to imitate the supernatural virtues: loving our enemies, looking for the good qualities in others, overlooking faults, and speaking well of others.
Now let us consider how amiability is treasured even from a merely natural perspective.
Drawing from a non-religious source, I will present eleven natural virtues that flow from amiability. As I describe each one, ask yourself honestly whether you practice this virtue or not.
Examples of Amiability from a Non-Religious Source:
- Practice empathy: Seek to understand others’ perspectives and feelings; listen actively without judgment.
- Express genuine interest: Show interest in others’ lives, experiences, and opinions. Remember and inquire about important details shared by others.
- Be approachable: Maintain open body language like making eye contact and smiling. Avoid negative or standoffish behavior. Create a welcoming atmosphere for others to feel comfortable around you.
- Cultivate positivity: Focus on the positive aspects of situations and people. Avoid gossip and negative talk. Share uplifting stories or compliments.
- Practice good communication: Communicate clearly and effectively. Use a friendly and respectful tone. Be mindful of your non-verbal cues, such as facial expressions and gestures.
- Show appreciation: Express gratitude for the efforts and kindness of others. Acknowledge and appreciate people’s contributions. Be generous with compliments.
- Be flexible and understanding: Adapt to changes with a positive attitude. Understand that everyone has different perspectives and ways of doing things. Avoid being overly critical or rigid. I add to this: Choose your battles. Some things are worth fighting for, such as the right to life. Some things are not worth fighting for but are merely opinions or preferences. Let’s stand up for truth, not mere opinions or preferences!
- Apologize and forgive: Apologize when you make a mistake or unintentionally hurt someone. Practice forgiveness and let go of grudges. Recognize that everyone is fallible.
- Develop a sense of humor: Use humor to lighten the mood and build connections. Avoid sarcasm or jokes that may offend others. Be willing to laugh at yourself.
- Build trust: Be reliable and keep your commitments. Demonstrate honesty and integrity in your actions. Respect confidentiality and avoid gossiping.
- Cultivate patience: Exercise patience in dealing with others, especially during challenging situations. Avoid rushing or pressuring people. Understand that everyone has his or her own pace.
Do you always and everywhere imitate these natural aspects of amiability? If not—and this is probably the case for most of us—then beg Our Lady constantly to help you grow in one specific area. Ask for her intercession daily.
Perhaps at this point you are aware of some jarring faults in yourself when it comes to being amiable. Don’t let this discourage you. Two Church Doctors counsel us here: St. Francis de Sales and St. Thérèse of Lisieux. St. Francis de Sales tells us that God so loves humility that He sometimes tests us by permitting us to say or do some foolish thing, thus giving us reason to humble ourselves. St. Thérèse of Lisieux also encourages us: “Love your powerlessness; your soul will draw more profit from it than if, aided by grace, you achieved heroic acts with a certain heroic flair that fill your soul with personal satisfaction.” Can you bear the distress and personal trial of being an impatient person?
Developing a Specific Virtue
When thinking of the virtue you want, develop a game plan. Be specific. Which of Mary’s virtues speaks to you most—either because you long for it or because you know you lack it? Choose that one. Then pay attention to when and where the opposite vice tends to erupt in your daily life. That’s where the battle begins—and where grace will meet you.
To illustrate, I will give four fictitious examples:
Example: At meals, Michelle loves to talk. She never gives anyone else a chance to get a word in. Michelle needs to work on… listening. Frequently, Amy is taciturn, never speaking in a group. Others constantly have to work to bring her out of herself. Amy needs to work on…speaking more.
Justin gets impatient with fellow workers who are slower than he is. Justin needs to practice…patience. John, who is a perfectionist and meticulous, gets irritated when others work too fast. John needs to work on… patience.
Objections and Answers
We will now go over some objections to imitating Mary and answers to these objections.
“Mary is perfect. I admire her, but how can I ever imitate her?”
Answer: There were originally two women created without sin: Eve and Mary. Eve experienced temptations and gave in to at least one major temptation. Mary also wrestled with temptations.
Our Foundress, Mother Joanne, used to say, “Don’t rob Mary of merit.” Yes, Our Lady too struggled with and overcame temptations.
Well, I am a guy. How can I expect to be like Mary?
Answer: Ask St. Maximilian Kolbe or St. John Paul II that question! Just as women are called to be firm and strong, men are called to be gentle and loving.
I don’t have any feelings toward Mary, but I am devoted to her. I connect best with Jesus.
Answer: As long as you honor Mary in your heart, even without feelings, you are devoted, and perhaps Mary is the Maid of Honor, bringing you to the Bridegroom, Jesus. Mary always points to Jesus.
I do not have the temperament to be quiet and gentle.
Mary experienced the balance of all four temperaments: the quick, intense individual (choleric); the quick but less intense and more social person (sanguine); the intense but introspective individual (melancholic); and the steady and persevering person (phlegmatic).
Our Lady embodies the perfect balance of all four human temperaments. She shows the energy and decisiveness of the choleric in her quick response to Elizabeth’s need at the Visitation. She displays the warmth and attentiveness of the sanguine in her presence at the Wedding at Cana, quick to notice the problem and act. She reveals the deep, inward reflection of the melancholic as she ponders the angel’s message at the Annunciation. And she shows the perseverance and quiet strength of the phlegmatic as she stands faithfully beneath the Cross.
Our Lady teaches us that holiness is not limited by our natural temperament, but perfected by grace. It is by being with Mary that we begin to imitate her, but also by striving to respond to God’s grace and develop natural virtue.
Mother Most Amiable, pray for us.
