I have to admit that Glenwood Springs, Colorado, as breath-takingly beautiful as it was, didn’t seem like “home” to me.
My husband and I were visiting St. Stephen’s church and school in Glenwood Springs at the invitation of the pastor, who was interested in hiring my husband, Patrick, as principal for their school. We were accustomed to the Catskill and Adirondack mountains in Upstate NY, but this geography was in an altogether different category!
The town was nestled in a valley through which the powerful, pristine Colorado River flowed; mountains rose steeply on either side, majestic, but unyielding. Though the people of the community were lovely, and it was just the sort of job for which my husband was suited, we hesitated to move all the way to Colorado. My husband really needed a job, but at this point, we just weren’t sure what to do.
The truth is, we were clueless about the next step to take in our lives. It was an unfamiliar and scary feeling.
In the past, neither my husband nor I had experienced this level of difficulty determining God’s will. We had both developed a personal relationship with Christ from an early age. Both experienced the power of prayer and God leading us in all our major life decisions: where to attend college, whom to marry, where to live. We had moved several times during the course of our marriage, always with the conviction that we were in God’s will. The answers didn’t necessarily come quickly or easily, but we were never left floundering for long.
This time it was different. We had been floundering for months! In fact, we felt like we were drowning. My husband had left his previous principal position on excellent terms, but we mistakenly thought a new job that met our growing family’s needs would be easy to find. Lacking direction, we had recently moved to be near family in Upstate New York. As we visited St. Stephen’s in Colorado, we both felt very reluctant to distance ourselves from extended family again.
But by this time, we were desperate. We were unemployed, and our 7-person family was living with my parents in their small home. Our savings was quickly evaporating. As my husband continued to seek employment, an open door would seem to present itself, but when we started moving toward it, something unexpected would happen, and the door would close. It was profoundly unnerving.
My husband and I tried to remain in a state of grace so that we would be sensitive to the Lord’s direction. We had been participating fully in the sacraments and were faithful to our daily duties. And of course we prayed continually—begging for a solution. What else could we do? Personally, I felt like I was trying to twist God’s almighty arm. Trying to get him to give up the information I needed in order to move on with the rest of my life.
No information was forthcoming. Could a move all the way across the country to Colorado really be the answer?
A Sign From God. Maybe.
As we stood outside the church talking to Pat’s would-be boss, my husband surreptitiously tapped my arm and directed my attention to the ground where we were standing. I looked down and was amazed at what I saw. Etched into the concrete where the words, “STEP HANUS.” Hanus? This was our last name! What in the world…?
It took me but a moment to realize that we had been standing on the parish seal, and what the letters really said were, “St. Stephanus.” Of course! It was the Latin name for St. Stephen, the parish we were visiting!
We had been asking for a sign from God. Was this a sign? If so, what kind of sign was it? We wondered in our desperation whether God was telling us to step out in faith and accept the job, even though neither of us felt right about it. We quickly discounted that idea, because we had followed God long enough to know that one of the most important factors in discernment was relative peace about a decision.
We continued to think about this remarkable coincidence, to pray, and finish the interview process, but ultimately my husband did not accept the job. But we still perceived that “STEP HANUS” was a sign…insofar as it confirmed what we already knew. We had to keep walking with the Lord, one step at a time, and he would be with us. We would gain strength from this little sign in the months ahead.
Is a Floundering Faith Enough?
This period in my life makes me think of Jesus in one of my favorite Biblical accounts. Usually, Jesus appeared quite ordinary—even when he was healing people, he often did it keeping a low profile—but when he walked on water, he showed his glory in a powerful way.
The disciples of Jesus were on a boat, buffeted about by strong winds, and they saw Jesus coming toward them over the rough seas. When Peter realized it was the Lord, he was ready and eager to step out of the boat and go to Jesus. Even though Peter gave into his fears and started to sink, even though he was only partly “successful,” he responded to Jesus’ invitation. Peter stepped out of the boat and moved toward Jesus even when it meant defying the very laws of nature!
After our experience in Colorado, my husband did not find a full-time job right away. We had to step out of the boat, so to speak, and walk toward Jesus one scary step at a time.
As a matter of fact, that following year ended up being a particularly dark time for us. My father slowly died from cancer while I suffered from a debilitating problem with my hands and arms and slid into what would be a fairly long period of depression. We were living in an area that offered few resources to Catholic families and were homeschooling our young children for the first time. Over the course of that year, my husband, with God’s help, somehow kept our world spinning though it nearly broke him. Finally, he settled into a career that allowed us to continue living near my now-widowed mother.
(Whew! It makes me tired—and weepy— just recalling those days.)
That time of discernment was lengthy and muddled and we, like Peter, did it imperfectly. We often wondered if we were “doing it wrong,” but we just kept trying to be faithful to God.
Several years later, when the worst of the storm was over, we could see more clearly that just “stepping” had been enough. Fixing our eyes on Christ and living one day at a time was all we could do… and amazingly, it was enough. Eventually, Jesus saw fit to return us to shore.
(Ironically, eighteen years later, we went through a similar, though less tortuous period of unemployment, after which we did end up in Colorado for a couple of years! Read more about that discernment process here.)
Through this complicated period in our lives, we learned that even in the Christian life, God allows us to undergo times of great desolation and uncertainty. When we are beset by trials and are unsure of how to move forward in life, we are tempted to feel that God isn’t there for us, that he doesn’t care, or that he isn’t able to help us. None of these things are true.
Jesus tested the faith of his disciples, and he will test our faith. “STEP HANUS,” was a small sign in the midst of uncertainty; a reminder to us that we are called to be ready to go to him whenever he should invite us to take that next step—a step of trust on a stormy sea.
“…open your soul more and more to Divine Hope, have more trust in the Divine Mercy, which is the only refuge of the soul exposed to a stormy sea.” —Padre Pio
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Image: Unsplash
